Jesus

Do you think any one loved Jesus back as much as He loved them? Definitely not. If I am trying to be Christ like why does it hurt so much when I love and care for people for seemingly no reason? I like to think of life as being fair, but then again if it was I would be going to Hell so I guess I prefer this unfair world God created.

Bottom line:
It is a blessing only from God to be able to love others who don't love back. I will continue trying to remember that I can't out love God and I demonstrate His love with my love for others. The hardest part for me is to continue pure love for someone who has hurt me without trying to hurt them back, just a little. I can see Jesus in this situation just laughing at its pettiness. I think He would say to just love more. What else can one do? I think it is the best way to fix any problem. Does showing a person how they wronged you help? Loving a person who wronged you not only helps the situation but it also shows God's love.

I will continue to try to love everyone, no matter what. Maybe I can touch one persons life.

Eyes on the prize

I am continuing to be filled with Joy this season no matter what is going on around me. I had the best Christmas season I have ever had. Nothing great happened to bring me this joy but I have not been upset once, it is crazy what really focusing on Jesus does to you. I am sad but also happy to leave this weekend. I can’t wait to be back in Tally but I will really miss my family. I lost the job I was supposed to have when I got back but that only brought me more joy. When I found this out I was instantly excited to find a new, better job. I will also miss all the free time I have had this break. I got a lot of good reading time in, along with family and friends. How did I ever get so lucky?

Changes

I feel like I am maturing and starting to finally figure out life a little. I am hesitant to say this because I know I will never fully understand things and it is probably my immaturity that is making me feel mature. All I know is that I know what is important in life and I am finally ok with being 100% myself and not caring what anyone thinks. People do not bring me joy, God does. I will act and live the way He made me and HE will provide me with more joy then 99.9% of the world experiences.

Now all I have left is my slight fear that I choose the wrong thing to do with my life next month. I think it might be better for me to not go to grad school and take some time off to serve before I get stuck with loans. It is starting to look like I will just end up going to FSU and taking the safe route. I think the Lord wants us to be risk takers because it requires faith. If only I knew His plan, I wish I could get a sign like Gideon did but I will just have to trust that God is letting me make the right choice for my future. I hope FSU continues to build me into the man I hope to one day become. I love you so much Lord, continue to break me every day.

WARTIME LIFESTYLE

Sometimes I use the phrase “wartime lifestyle” or “wartime mind-set.” The phrase is helpful—but also lopsided. For me it is mainly helpful. It tells me that there is a war going on in the world between Christ and Satan, truth and falsehood, belief and unbelief. It tells me that there are weapons to be funded and used, but that these weapons are not swords or guns or bombs but the Gospel and prayer and self-sacrificing love (2 Corinthians 10:3-5). And it tells me that the stakes of this conflict are higher than any other war in history; they are eternal and infinite: heaven or hell, eternal joy or eternal torment (Matthew 25:46).

I need to hear this message again and again, because I drift into a peacetime mind-set as certainly as rain falls down and flames go up. I am wired by nature to love the same toys that the world loves. I start to fit in. I start to love what others love. I start to call earth “home.” Before you know it, I am calling luxuries “needs” and using my money just the way unbelievers do. I begin to forget the war. I don’t think much about people perishing. Missions and unreached peoples drop out of my mind. I stop dreaming about the triumphs of grace. I sink into a secular mind-set that looks first to what man can do, not what God can do. It is a terrible sickness. And I thank God for those who have forced me again and again toward a wartime mind-set.

That was taken out of the book, Don't Waste Your Life. I find myself so vulnerable to this peace time lifestyle and the comforts of America. Jesus saves from the American dream. I want to spend some time in a 3rd world country to really get my mindset out of this horrible, materialistic, selfish and comfortable lifestyle we are conditioned into. I am so scared of contentment.

Ralph Winter said-
- America today is a “save yourself” society if there ever was one. But does it really work? The underdeveloped societies suffer from one set of diseases: tuberculosis, malnutrition, pneumonia, parasites, typhoid, cholera, typhus, etc. Affluent America has virtually invented a whole new set of diseases: obesity, arteriosclerosis, heart disease, strokes, lung cancer, venereal disease, cirrhosis of the liver, drug addiction, alcoholism, divorce, battered children, suicide, murder. Take your choice. Labor-saving machines have turned out to be body-killing devices. Our affluence has allowed both mobility and isolation of the nuclear family, and as a result, our divorce courts, our prisons and our mental institutions are flooded. In saving ourselves we have nearly lost ourselves.


"Oh, how many lives are wasted by people who believe that the Christian life means simply avoiding badness and providing for the family. So there is no adultery, no stealing, no killing, no embezzlement, no fraud—just lots of hard work during the day, and lots of TV and PG-13 videos in the evening (during quality family time), and lots of fun stuff on the weekend—woven around church (mostly). This is life for millions of people. Wasted life. We were created for more, far more." (Don't Waste Your Life)

Honesty and the Homeless

I feel like I have been a little too open lately. I have always heard that a true friend gives honest answers and that sharing deep parts of yourself brings you closer to people. I found that it only works with people who REALLY love. They don’t have to be life-long friends or even people you know, they just have to love. I understand that some things should be kept to yourself but the things we tend to keep hidden are the things that matter most, our deepest feelings, doubts, fears and failures. I want anyone who is love to know all of those about me. I think some people might not want to see the depths of my heart and that is ok and understandable.

I was thinking today when I had around 4 grown men tell me their shame and how they messed up their life how open people can be when someone is open to listen without judgment. They knew I was only there because I loved and cared about them so they shared with me their stories. There is nothing more interesting then the stories of the homeless. I would stay there all day listening to them, and that is all they really want, someone to listen. This openness I found today just showed me how I want to be with everyone. I have found that I always end up giving so much of myself to others who I don’t think really wanted to know so much about me.

I have no solution or final idea, just that I loved today and wish that my friends would be that open to me so I wouldn’t feel weird about being so open to them. It reminds me of the Lifehouse song lyrics “I tried my best to be guarded; I'm an open book instead”. I want to be an open book and I think I am.

Make up my mind

I wish I could decide what I was going to do for more then the next few months. I am now going to try to find a lease that doesn't go into the summer so if I can find a sweet internship overseas I won't have to waste more money. I also am really wondering if FSU is the best place to be getting my degree from. I will see how well their public health program is and than decide. I just have this feeling that I would have gotten into UF and their program is so much better. I can always transfer in the Fall. God must have kept me up in Tallahassee for something so I will stay there as long as I feel led. I don't feel like I got all that was intended for me from there yet. I want to see what happens with 4 Oaks and my good friends up there. UF would make me start over again, I have some good friends their too but no church and it's not the same.
Praying that I follow His plan and not my own. It's so hard to tell the difference sometimes.

Moore Family

Tara is getting a new family in 2 weeks. We got to have dinner with John's parents and his little sister tonight. It went really well. Lots of laughing and fun. I am so excited for them. Marriage is forever and isn't easy for anyone so I just pray it all works out.

Boanerges

I wish Boanerges was my nickname. Maybe one day. I am reading Mark if you can't tell. I have to say that each day I love the Bible more than the last. I love life so much right now and can't wait to see where God leads me. Of course not everything in my life is perfect but it doesn't have to be, my joy is in Christ alone. I am having a great time back home setting up for Christmas and being with my family. I am working delivery at China Hut right now and its a great job. I got to read 65 pages in "Piercing the Darkness" tonight while at work. We are having dinner with John and his parents this Friday night at our house, should be interesting. Only 7 more days of undergrad left!