Lord please remove my selfish, prideful heart. You continue to bless me as I continue to take pride in your blessings as if I had something to do with them. This is embarrassing , why do I still want to exalt myself among men? I am proud of my job, which you handed me. I am proud at what my boss and our CEO said to me today when they took me out to lunch. Everything good they said about me wasn’t really me at all; any seemingly good within me is you Lord. If they saw me without You, I probably wouldn’t have a job. I had to hold back tears today when they were saying my praises because it was so real to me that what they were describing was not me at all but just You covering my flaws. Thank you Lord. Thank you for giving me a job where I can tell my boss that I am not sure what I will be doing after I graduate. I said I might go overseas to serve in missions or I might stay here to serve in missions, we are all missionaries and I will only be in a career which I feel does good or where I can witness and serve the Lord. I said I have no problem staying with them if I feel that the Lord has placed me there for a reason but if I don’t feel that then I will do something else. I said I don’t really make plans for my future and I don’t care if I reach my goals which I have made because I don’t know yet if they are God’s same goals. How can I plan ahead when God is the one opening the doors and pulling my arm to follow Him? Our CEO is a Christian and asked a lot about Four Oaks and he said he thinks he’s going to come try it out because he has heard a lot of good things about it.
I might be wrong but I would assume many people don’t tell their bosses those things when they are at a meeting about future career placement. I feel like God has surrounded me and I am always free to speak His name. I don’t speak it lightly either, He is my all and that is different from most but I think I was respected for what I had to say. It might not have helped me find a full time job but who cares about that, God will always provide.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Mom
There has to be a parallel here. I realized how much I fight my Mom’s help. I want to show her that I don’t need her help anymore but she gets most of her joy from me needing her help. I wish I had realized this sooner so I could have given her more joy. Instead I fought it my whole life. Why do I so badly not want her to feel needed? Does it make me feel better? Not really. This made me think about God and how I do the same thing to Him. I want to show Him that I don’t need Him. Won’t He be proud of what I can do on my own? It is not a perfect analogy but it kind of got me thinking. My Mom just wants to feel needed and I just want to be independently strong. With God, He needs to be needed or I will fail but I still just want to be independently strong.
It hurts knowing that I won’t ever really have the opportunity to make my mom feel needed again. I don’t even really feel like family anymore, I am a relative. I will never live at home again, I will continue to come home for weekends here and there but that is it. It doesn’t bother me because I will get to spend eternity with my family in heaven but I know it matters to my Mom. She is too sick to make a trip up to see me so I will have to continue to remember how much it matters to her that I visit. I almost wish my family didn’t love me so much so I wouldn’t feel so bad about not being able to be there for them much anymore. I just wish my Mom knew how much I love her, it seems like she doesn’t. It doesn’t matter how much I tell her, she has some problems which make it hard for her. She is pretty sickly this week, as usual, and I pray that if it’s God’s will that He will spare her for many more years. Her health scares me, when I tell God that He can break me I pray that He doesn’t start by taking her from me.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sin
For those who can truly say “the remembrance of our sins is grievous unto us, the burden of them is intolerable.” These people will find a sweet means of grace in eating and drinking at the table of our Lord. Sometimes I am close to vomiting when I am convicted of sin. I think of the gruesome, filthy love of sin my body seems to thrive on and I realize without God I am a mere slave. Things I do not want to do I do because satin is a lot stronger then I like to think, or I just enjoy his lies.
What separates me from those destined for hell? It would be really hard for many to notice the ever so slight difference. My heart is completely different and I have been given a new body but it appears so similar. I yearn fervently to be without sin but then how would I be able to feel and display God’s grace? Because I am so dirty I am unable to boast in anything other than the cross.
I will continue to sin, it is inevitable, but I will keep trying to be more like Jesus. I fall prostrate on the ground confessing how truly disgusting I really am in disbelief that you still love me, I don’t know how anyone could. I have asked for a second chance every day, multiple times, for close to 15 years now. Thank you for never growing tired of my repetitive voice of false promises and regret. You say I don’t talk to you enough when I feel like I spend most of my days apologizing and asking for strength to the point where you would be sick of me.
Lord, fix my eyes on you. I will always come to you every morning, noon and night. The more I know you the more sin I will see. I am in a losing battle but you provide me with a victory still. How can I not cry when I myself am nailing you to the cross every minute of every day? Still your grace and love are enough. I fill my cup with you every morning and it never runs dry. You take away my guilt and shame with your promises. I seek nothing more then I seek you, fix my eyes so they never lose sight of your light on my path. I love you more than life because you first loved me enough to die just so I could one day see your face and fall into your embrace, oh what a day that will be!
What separates me from those destined for hell? It would be really hard for many to notice the ever so slight difference. My heart is completely different and I have been given a new body but it appears so similar. I yearn fervently to be without sin but then how would I be able to feel and display God’s grace? Because I am so dirty I am unable to boast in anything other than the cross.
I will continue to sin, it is inevitable, but I will keep trying to be more like Jesus. I fall prostrate on the ground confessing how truly disgusting I really am in disbelief that you still love me, I don’t know how anyone could. I have asked for a second chance every day, multiple times, for close to 15 years now. Thank you for never growing tired of my repetitive voice of false promises and regret. You say I don’t talk to you enough when I feel like I spend most of my days apologizing and asking for strength to the point where you would be sick of me.
Lord, fix my eyes on you. I will always come to you every morning, noon and night. The more I know you the more sin I will see. I am in a losing battle but you provide me with a victory still. How can I not cry when I myself am nailing you to the cross every minute of every day? Still your grace and love are enough. I fill my cup with you every morning and it never runs dry. You take away my guilt and shame with your promises. I seek nothing more then I seek you, fix my eyes so they never lose sight of your light on my path. I love you more than life because you first loved me enough to die just so I could one day see your face and fall into your embrace, oh what a day that will be!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Men's Retreat pt. 1
This weekend I went to Destin with my church for the Four Oaks Men’s Retreat. The topic was the manly art of Christian living. Not only was I intimidated going into this thing because I still don’t think of myself as a man but I find out that everything is about being a man. This was good because I need to grow up; I am no longer a child. I am a college graduate who is debating full time work. It was great being around the older guys but my favorite part was being around the guys who where maybe in their mid 20s because those are the guys who I am closer to in my life. I skipped a little school and just because I am still young enough to act dumb doesn’t mean I had a right to. I was blessed to room with two really cool guys one was around 25 and the other just turned 30 and the both had some great insight for me along with showing works of faith in serving God. I am used to finding men leading even poorer examples of the Christian life then I but not this weekend. We were a group of maybe 75 men whose only desire was to live for God. It was an amazing experience; it was reminiscent of a church camp setting which I have not been on in years. There was a big difference though; there were no professions of faith and dramatic life changing experiences, these men all already walked with God. That didn’t mean there was not a good amount of tears in men seeing where they fall short of Gods plan. It is also still weird for me to be considered an adult man. In the church I am not looked at as a young kid, I am a younger Man. This means I need to rise to the occasion by becoming a man because that is what I am going to be treated as and expected to act like.
I took away many things from this weekend but the one that sticks out the most is my responsibility as a man. I thought I was pretty mature for my age but I see how that I am not nearly mature enough. I listened to men talking about all their responsibilities and I got a tremendous fear about falling incredibly short of what is required of the spiritual leader of a family. These men talk about how they might be doing well in teaching their children how to walk, serving in the church, providing, and doing all the other leadership responsibilities entrusted onto men. Most even worked hard to find time be alone with God but would then would run out of time to spend washing their wives with the cleansing water of the word. I struggle to find the time for only my own fill of God and I am still only a student. How am I going to be able to take on the job of provider, servant, and spiritual leader of every member of my family and still find time to reach out to those who don’t know God? I know it is not impossible and God never gives us more then we can handle but I know it is not an easy task and many strong men fail at it. Was this weekend meant to show me how much it takes to lead a family to prepare me for that role or was it to open my eyes to the fact that I am meant for something different? I am not naive enough to think that I am different then all the men at our church, I was shown that our struggles get even harder when we get older not easier. They also have the potential to hurt more people by destroying ones family. I need to learn to become more disciplined before I can even think about having a strong family. But back to what I was saying about maybe a family not being what God wants of me. I have made it 21.5 years single and being single is a spiritual gift which I know I can continue if that is God’s will. I have the unique opportunity to serve Him without worrying about providing for a family. God loves marriage and family but He has a special place for singleness. If I had a family I would be obligated to provide for them but alone I am free to do anything and go anywhere God calls me. I was talking to Pastor Larry and he asked about my missions aspirations and I was told him I was confused about its plausible and he said I could always go on missions vacations. And I said I feel like I have so much more to give back then just a vacation. I have a whole life to give back to God, He gave me life and it is not my own. I would rather have nothing to give up when I can no longer ignore God’s call to a sacrificial life of missions then have to risk my families well being by bring them with me or leaving them behind.
How would the world of missions change if every missionary embraced the truth that becoming a missionary is the most enjoyable thing they could possibly do with their lives?
It is funny to be struggling with this call because the Lord says it is the greatest calling and joy will always follow those who follow the Lord. Do I not believe the word? If I do believe then why is this so hard? I have nothing to give up; I count everything for loss but what I do for the Lord. Oh how short sighted I get, God says that I will be blessed a thousand fold for foreign missions but I would rather have a cushy easy life. I have to do all things to the best of my ability and that means that I cannot just go into this halfheartedly, I have to go with the intention of a lifelong service. I don’t want to leave with an airline reservation already planned out for my return. I want to go with nothing; I will be stuck where God places me. I have to put up boundaries to combat my weaknesses, I will want to return home when times get tough if I can but if that is not possible I will continue the good work for Him. My prayer is that this is Gods will because I know I will be happiest in it. I know America needs good godly men but how much more can be done for those who have nothing then those who live in abundance.
There is still the possibility that God gave me an opportunity to serve America in the government though. I have been blessed with a last name which is recognized by almost everyone over 30. I should be able to obtain some seat of power but I see how little any one person can get done in the government and it disheartens me. I know I can make a difference to those who don’t have bibles or clean water and there is a shortage of people willing to reach them. If there were enough people serving other nations I would focus on my political goals because I have a head start but I think I have to look for the thing which will bring about the greatest good for the Lord. I do not know which that is yet but I will continue to pray for God to reveal His plan to me.
I took away many things from this weekend but the one that sticks out the most is my responsibility as a man. I thought I was pretty mature for my age but I see how that I am not nearly mature enough. I listened to men talking about all their responsibilities and I got a tremendous fear about falling incredibly short of what is required of the spiritual leader of a family. These men talk about how they might be doing well in teaching their children how to walk, serving in the church, providing, and doing all the other leadership responsibilities entrusted onto men. Most even worked hard to find time be alone with God but would then would run out of time to spend washing their wives with the cleansing water of the word. I struggle to find the time for only my own fill of God and I am still only a student. How am I going to be able to take on the job of provider, servant, and spiritual leader of every member of my family and still find time to reach out to those who don’t know God? I know it is not impossible and God never gives us more then we can handle but I know it is not an easy task and many strong men fail at it. Was this weekend meant to show me how much it takes to lead a family to prepare me for that role or was it to open my eyes to the fact that I am meant for something different? I am not naive enough to think that I am different then all the men at our church, I was shown that our struggles get even harder when we get older not easier. They also have the potential to hurt more people by destroying ones family. I need to learn to become more disciplined before I can even think about having a strong family. But back to what I was saying about maybe a family not being what God wants of me. I have made it 21.5 years single and being single is a spiritual gift which I know I can continue if that is God’s will. I have the unique opportunity to serve Him without worrying about providing for a family. God loves marriage and family but He has a special place for singleness. If I had a family I would be obligated to provide for them but alone I am free to do anything and go anywhere God calls me. I was talking to Pastor Larry and he asked about my missions aspirations and I was told him I was confused about its plausible and he said I could always go on missions vacations. And I said I feel like I have so much more to give back then just a vacation. I have a whole life to give back to God, He gave me life and it is not my own. I would rather have nothing to give up when I can no longer ignore God’s call to a sacrificial life of missions then have to risk my families well being by bring them with me or leaving them behind.
How would the world of missions change if every missionary embraced the truth that becoming a missionary is the most enjoyable thing they could possibly do with their lives?
It is funny to be struggling with this call because the Lord says it is the greatest calling and joy will always follow those who follow the Lord. Do I not believe the word? If I do believe then why is this so hard? I have nothing to give up; I count everything for loss but what I do for the Lord. Oh how short sighted I get, God says that I will be blessed a thousand fold for foreign missions but I would rather have a cushy easy life. I have to do all things to the best of my ability and that means that I cannot just go into this halfheartedly, I have to go with the intention of a lifelong service. I don’t want to leave with an airline reservation already planned out for my return. I want to go with nothing; I will be stuck where God places me. I have to put up boundaries to combat my weaknesses, I will want to return home when times get tough if I can but if that is not possible I will continue the good work for Him. My prayer is that this is Gods will because I know I will be happiest in it. I know America needs good godly men but how much more can be done for those who have nothing then those who live in abundance.
There is still the possibility that God gave me an opportunity to serve America in the government though. I have been blessed with a last name which is recognized by almost everyone over 30. I should be able to obtain some seat of power but I see how little any one person can get done in the government and it disheartens me. I know I can make a difference to those who don’t have bibles or clean water and there is a shortage of people willing to reach them. If there were enough people serving other nations I would focus on my political goals because I have a head start but I think I have to look for the thing which will bring about the greatest good for the Lord. I do not know which that is yet but I will continue to pray for God to reveal His plan to me.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Church
I should be studying and writing a speech but I just want to write about how much I love Four Oaks Church. I thought it was about as good as it gets last semester when I went to church with John, Stephie, Erin and Steph. I may have lost John from that one day when he came to church and I fervently pray for God to touch his heart but that is not my decision. I didn’t realize how easily satisfied I was at first in my very small church family. Today I was at church for about 6 hours and was able to talk to my huge, amazing, loving family. I gained David, my other best friend, Danny, a new best friend, and so many more. I find myself every week going home wishing I could have talked with my family longer. I wish church was everyday, luckily I get to see a few of them on Tuesday nights and even more on Thursday nights and my close family, my fellowship group, on Sunday nights. I am so excited to go on Men’s retreat this Friday! Not only to learn but because the men of our church are all so amazing, also Danny is going which is really cool. Today I got to work with the 2 year olds which was so much fun, I think I would be better with a little bit older group of kids but if this is where I am needed I will continue to play with those little guys.
I know this is a church of love, when I talk to students about what they want to do after school many say they want to stay in Tallahassee because of Four Oaks. I am in the same boat, unless God calls me somewhere else I will probably stay in Tally because there is something different about this church. I am thankful God reminded me how important church is. It is Christ’s beloved bride, that definitely means something.
Since David is one of my only 2 followers I want to tell you how happy I am to have you there with me buddy.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Laying in a cold empty house in Tallahassee I find Joy
It took me a while to know joy in Christ. It takes complete surrender to God to experience this joy. I never felt it when I was living with one foot in and one foot out. When God breaks you of this world and opens the eyes of your heart an insurmountable joy clothes you. Everyone can say they know that they have no power of their own and it is all Gods but few believe or live it. Pride and rebellion take over and have us thinking we can control our day to day lives. I am still unsure about my belief on if there is such a thing as a halfhearted Christian but I know this saying to be true of many people, “Listen, son. Half-hearted Christians are the most miserable people of all. They know enough to feel guilty, but they haven’t gone far enough with Christ to be happy. Be wholehearted for him!” Pastor Ray Ortlund’s father. I know I have not been the best example of this truth in the past but I am trying to show off my joy now. The Bible says that we can tell who is a follower of Christ by looking at his fruit and one of the fruit of the spirit is ‘Joy’. This is what I have been looking for in the people I love and share with. If there is no joy then they are missing something. I am not saying they are not Christians if they are not always happy, it could just be a season they are going through. If this season never ends though I will be worried because it is impossible to have the love of the creator of the universe and not be overjoyed. Like an engaged couple, I know of quite a few of them right now, we should be vocal of our love affair with the Lord. I wish I could take a cute picture of Jesus and me and use it as my Facebook profile picture. I think I would be bragging about some hot, young celebrity who was in love with me, if that were the case, but I rarely brag about the Lord, who is infinity greater, loving me.
I love every day so much. Life is so much easier when I only do one thing, delight in Christ. Don’t just take my word for it; I will never be enough to change your heart. Read the Bible and see for yourselves. I think Paul is the best example but there are so many. There are also many great books; I would suggest “Desiring God” by John Piper, “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis or “Knowing God” by J.I. Packer.
I love every day so much. Life is so much easier when I only do one thing, delight in Christ. Don’t just take my word for it; I will never be enough to change your heart. Read the Bible and see for yourselves. I think Paul is the best example but there are so many. There are also many great books; I would suggest “Desiring God” by John Piper, “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis or “Knowing God” by J.I. Packer.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Pride
“but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” - 1 Peter 3:4
I just read this verse and its context is about women submitting to their husbands but I am going to use it for how I act towards others. The first part of 1 Peter 3:3 says “Do not let your adorning be external” I am trying so hard to live that but I am so far from it. I love superficial praise and I am very superficial myself.
My prayer is to live simply, be immune to peoples praise or displeasure and to love deeper. I have nothing to be proud of but somehow I am. It doesn’t even make logical since because God created all people for a reason; this makes us all equal so what am I proud of? Even when I say “to God be the glory” I still am prideful about it but just trying to hide the faults of myself.
I just read this verse and its context is about women submitting to their husbands but I am going to use it for how I act towards others. The first part of 1 Peter 3:3 says “Do not let your adorning be external” I am trying so hard to live that but I am so far from it. I love superficial praise and I am very superficial myself.
My prayer is to live simply, be immune to peoples praise or displeasure and to love deeper. I have nothing to be proud of but somehow I am. It doesn’t even make logical since because God created all people for a reason; this makes us all equal so what am I proud of? Even when I say “to God be the glory” I still am prideful about it but just trying to hide the faults of myself.
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