Tuesday, March 9, 2010
There has to be a parallel here. I realized how much I fight my Mom’s help. I want to show her that I don’t need her help anymore but she gets most of her joy from me needing her help. I wish I had realized this sooner so I could have given her more joy. Instead I fought it my whole life. Why do I so badly not want her to feel needed? Does it make me feel better? Not really. This made me think about God and how I do the same thing to Him. I want to show Him that I don’t need Him. Won’t He be proud of what I can do on my own? It is not a perfect analogy but it kind of got me thinking. My Mom just wants to feel needed and I just want to be independently strong. With God, He needs to be needed or I will fail but I still just want to be independently strong.
It hurts knowing that I won’t ever really have the opportunity to make my mom feel needed again. I don’t even really feel like family anymore, I am a relative. I will never live at home again, I will continue to come home for weekends here and there but that is it. It doesn’t bother me because I will get to spend eternity with my family in heaven but I know it matters to my Mom. She is too sick to make a trip up to see me so I will have to continue to remember how much it matters to her that I visit. I almost wish my family didn’t love me so much so I wouldn’t feel so bad about not being able to be there for them much anymore. I just wish my Mom knew how much I love her, it seems like she doesn’t. It doesn’t matter how much I tell her, she has some problems which make it hard for her. She is pretty sickly this week, as usual, and I pray that if it’s God’s will that He will spare her for many more years. Her health scares me, when I tell God that He can break me I pray that He doesn’t start by taking her from me.