Saturday, October 31, 2009

Time Management

Is there such a thing as having too much time if you are a christian? Shouldn't we be spending all extra time in the Word or helping others? I am going to work on this. I feel like I should never be bored because there is so much I should be doing. God has called me, not to sit around but to act.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


Makes me smile

Gives me joy

Shows me beauty

Always loves me

Never lets me down

I wish I could find a girl like this, but then I might get content without Jesus. I need to cut others some slack, God made us all imperfect for this reason.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Mom fell at TJ-Max today and broke her elbow. She was in so much pain when she called me. I was hoping it wouldn’t be that bad because of all the pain medication she is already on but I guess not. I hate that she is home during the day alone and things like this can happen. I mean the reason I moved home after sophomore year to help my family and they still need lots of help. I don’t know if they will ever be good though. I guess in America we are told that we don’t have to take care of our families after we are 18. I mean even if I was home this still could have happened, but I could help out around the house and with Trev so my Dad doesn’t have even more work to do. I don’t know who has it harder, my Mom or Dad. Somehow they are still so positive and full of love. I am so thankful to have them as parents; they have always done their best and given me more than they should have. I know I would have had to move away eventually but I didn’t have to leave this semester, I just wanted to be with friends. God works in mysterious ways, maybe I needed this more then they needed me – or even better maybe someone up here needs me. Lol I like thinking I am needed, who knows, maybe no one needs me.

As always, LOTS and LOTS of prayer - it's the only thing I can do from up here.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Work Meetings

Nothing Like a 7hr meeting and a pad of paper to give me some great new ideas. I get a better idea for my life every week; I pray it all works out.Some days I am so sure it will and others I am in such doubt about it. This is the scariest my life has ever been. there are so many huge things going on right now. My life could seriously go in so many different directions by the start of 2010. It should give me peace that I have no control over these things, but I know His plan sometimes uses pain for good and I fear that. I will just keep repeating the Word. Isaiah 64:4 tells me - no eye has seen a God besides thee, who works for those who wait for Him.
I am waiting Lord.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Old Friend

Today while I was running I got a call from an old friend. I decided to stop running and pick it up. He was calling just to ask if I needed any prayer. I told him the major things in my life that need prayer and asked him what I could pray for. We also talked about what God is doing in our lives and where we think He is leading us - understanding where He is leading us was something we both really wanted prayer about.

This was a really uplifting conversation but I got to thinking after I hung up, why I don't ask my friends what they need prayer about? I pray for everyone in my life, but I pray for what I believe they need, not what they ask me to pray about. It is an awkward thing to ask. If someone answers truthfully it is very personal. We need prayer for our weaknesses and many people want to keep these hidden. I then got to thinking about the people I pray about and if they would want to tell me what they REALLY need prayer about. There have been a few big things that I never asked for prayer about because I did not want anyone to know about them.

I would not have given him all the information about my life and my current feelings if he had not asked about where I needed prayer. This just made me feel like it was ok to be uncensored. I hope that I can get past the awkward with people and start asking them how I can help them through prayer.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


I wish I could look ahead 10 years just to make sure I’m doing it right. Will the people I can’t live without now still be in my life at all? I didn’t know any of them 10 years ago and I can’t expect us to stay close forever can I? I only went to FSU to prolong the inevitable, I was not ready to say goodbye yet. I only bought myself 2 more years before it just won’t be possible anymore. So much will change, how can I even guess what my life will look like? Do I really want it to resemble my present life, or even my vision? What I envision is always so much worse then what God blesses me with.

My main question is what I would do differently now if I saw a glimpse of my future and did not like it. I honestly think I am doing everything to the best of my ability and I know I am doing my very best to listen to God in every action. I hope God is setting me up for love and joy. At least I know if He is not, it is for His glory and I will be rewarded in my infinitely more important life after death.

New tangent, but still about the future- how fast people get married when they find the one. What is it going to feel like when my close friends go from single to married in 6 months? He has someone who loves me set aside; I just can’t wait until he reveals it to me. I know she is praying every night about me while I pray for her. I always seem to love the things that are worst for me; it is so good I am not choosing her. God chose the most amazing person in the world to love me and bring me joy. That is what I hope to see in 10 years - along with every other person in the world. I have made it 21 years so far without it, I still can’t decide if that is good or not. I probably have just as many problems from never having another person to love as it has saved me from. I might be a person with just too much passion to not have an outlet for it… I know I will make a great husband and father but maybe my passion is meant for something much greater. Without any outlet I can use it all for Him. This is not what selfish Tyler wants to see in 10 years but wouldn’t it be so much more beautiful?

I just hope I am strong enough to continue seeing the reasons in my situation even if it continues for the rest of my life. I will not find joy in my plan if it is not matching anyway. My long-term prayer needs to be two parts; I will continue to pray for her in hopes God will give me love but I will also pray that I will accept whatever happens and use it for the Kingdom.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I went to a beautiful memorial service today for someone who sounded like Mother Teresa. I never met this 94 year old women, Budd Bell. I went because my boss asked me if I wanted to, and I figured sitting in a seat trying not to cry for 3-4 hours would be a good idea. I was amazing, I really wish I had the opportunity to have met this women. The stories of her love toward the less fortunate keep me holding back tears. She continued working violently with legislation to help cause change into her 90s. This women gave so much love to others just because she felt like it was the right thing to do, her daughter said she was agnostic. I have the love of Jesus inside of me and I have never given uncomfortably to the needy. Another thing to work on. I think I was also meant to be there to see that not only Christians have love like that. I get caught up in thinking we are better. We have a higher reason to be better, but this does not mean we are following that calling. This women out shown many of us in compassion without His help

How much more can I accomplish?


Monday, October 19, 2009

New Prayer

Today I have a new prayer. It honors God a lot more then my old, selfish one which ended with "Your will be done", just to make me feel like I was not demanding something from Him, did.

The next 60 years of my life need to be spent with the sinners. I will be able to spend eternity worshiping God with all the people I love. I am glad I will not be able to feel guilt and sorrow for all the lives I could have brought with me to Heaven but chose to ignore. God will know what I have done and still look me in the eyes with more love then I have ever known. He asked so little of me and yet I did even less. I have no idea how God could love people, just another reason I know His way is better.

I also am praying even harder for my Mom. I talked to her on the phone today and she sounded so bad. She is in a lot of pain, she didn't even want to talk for very long because she hurt so bad. She was about to cry when I finished talking to her. I told her I was not sure if I was going to go home this weekend yet. I just don't like driving for 7hrs alone, but after I hung up I knew I would go see her. She loves me so much and I am the only one who lets her get close, my siblings really need to step it up. I never use to understand her because I never understood myself. She is so much like me. She is in so much anguish and I know that going to see her will at least make her feel loved which can cover the hurt of pain for at least a few moments.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Great day

So this Sunday consisted of a freezing morning run, Church, new newcomer's lunch, 5k(which was the slowest I have ever run but still went by faster then any other race, I should do all races like that),then finished the day up at my pastors house with more amazing people carving pumpkins for the first time in my life. God knew what I needed and He brought me joy today.

On a side note, I heard "You're Beautiful" by Phil Wickham on Pandora yesterday and have been listening to it on repeat for the last 24hrs. It is amazing.

What is wrong with me?

I am so emotional these days and I can’t understand it. There has to be some underlining circumstance but I have been in constant prayer and I just don’t see why the slightest thing can bring me to tears. I know it is not from one specific problem, it is everything. Last month I was at church, by myself, and I just couldn’t stop crying through the whole service. It is embarrassing and I don’t know what I am searching for, I think I have cried and prayed over every area of my life. Most nights have ended that way for me lately and I would love it to stop. I have so much to be joyful about and I feel like I am happy, I just don’t know what this is coming from., I need to figure out what this is and have the Lord remove it from me.

I stopped after I wrote that and really thought about it and I think it comes from a feeling that I am not loved. I must have inherited this from my Mom; she has chronic depression and has always wanted me to get tested. I never wanted to know if I had it or not because I know being happy comes from the Lord and I will never think He is not enough. Even though it may be wrong and I might be able to be happier if I did take medicine, I am going to continue to rely on Him for my joy. I know the devil lies and goes for people’s weaknesses and I truly have more than my fair share of love. I have a desire to be loved by everyone and this is illogical. The one thing I do wish is that people I love would love me equally. Is this not a common thing? I just feel that no one loves me more then I love them. I seriously would do anything for so many people and I find it hard to get even a call back from some of them. Understandably their lives are much more hectic then mine but it does not stop me from wanting it. I know that God’s love is the only one that won’t let you down and the only love that is truly fulfilling but I crave earthly love. Not marriage per say but genuine caring for another person. Knowing I can count on someone to be there for me and do everything they could for my benefit. Maybe people just don’t think like that anymore. I don’t know what I want but maybe someone doing something unexpected just to show they care. I know this will not change my heart and bring me any kind of lasting joy; it will only bring a brief flow of temporary happiness. Knowing this, why do I crave it? I constantly have to keep readjusting my focus because, as I have just demonstrated, it is weak. I want to be so strong that I could live alone and serve people who hated me without a single friend but God. This is my prayer, to learn how to be content on the One we were created for.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Struggling (word count on this 777)

How can God give me so much and still allow me to feel so empty? I hate that I can answer that question before I finish asking it. He can so I will seek Him more fervently. When the world brings me joy I don’t need God. I stop crying out to Him and I find temporary happiness. God is a lot more concerned with my eternity then He is with me having fun on any given day. Even as I understand this it is still hard to accept. I hate it but I feel like I deserve to enjoy the world just as much as everyone else. How can I feel like this? What great man of God found joy in the world? God has planned every single minute of my life for a reason and I need remember this always. I seem to keep forgetting.

Today I did great on the GRE so I can stay up here if I want to but its days like today that make me wonder if I really should. I miss my family so much and I am so lonely, basically living alone out in the woods. I know God is all I need but I have not been able to continually feel that comfort, it is ephemeral to me for some reason. Some moments I feel so strong but within an instant I am nothing again.

I feel like I am too late to make new friends or I am just not good at it anymore. It is also hard because everyone I work with is old and I don’t go to class or live near anyone who is my age. All my old friends, who were not numerous to begin with, have moved on to new friendships with people I don’t mesh with or are just too busy to be what I need. I feel like I have become a burden to them now because they all have to try to include me in where I no longer fit. I know life can never stay the same but I miss the way things were. I also miss the innocence of my friends, everyone has changed. Why did we all have to grow up so fast? I don’t want to be a college graduate taking out loans and working all the time. What was my other option? We aren’t given many; somehow this is the most desirable one.

Maybe this is not where I am meant to live. There were many reasons why I moved here that just aren’t making since anymore. I gave it a shot so I don’t have to wonder what would have happened if I never did it. Something I talked to Stephie about years ago and this was my once in a lifetime chance. I’ll admit Tallahassee has some great attributes to it and I am in love with some of the people here but is it enough? Should those few things determine where I reside? In the book Twelve Pillars by Jim Rohn, he asks why we hold on to old relationships that are not beneficial to us. It is one of life’s hardest things but maybe I need to let go. I think they have. I shouldn’t act like things haven’t changed.

I hope I can find some good Christian men to grow close to. I don’t know how I have never had a strong, close friend who was a Christian. I should rephrase that to ‘I have never had a Christ following or centered relationship with another man. I have had this sort of friendship with Stephie and Kate but it is harder to get close with a person of the opposite sex. John now hates it when I try to talk to him about His love and finds it enjoyable to throw sin in my face knowing how it hurts me. Most Christians find themselves in a Christian bubble but I have never been able to find that bubble. How did this happen when I grew up a Christian and went to a Christian school? Honestly I just don’t think there are a lot of strong Christian men out there. I hope I am wrong, and I am not implying that I am one, only that I need one in my life.

I will just have to spend the night in the Word looking for God’s ever elusive plan for my life. It would obviously bring God more pleasure to have me spend a Friday night studying Him then going out. The heartbreaking part is that He has to force me into it by thwarting all my other options.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


A long with everything else I had going on this semester, like taking 18 credits, I had to study for the LSAT and GRE. People might assume I am smart but I just work hard. I am really bad at tests like these. I go into this test tomorrow with just finishing the GRE book today and not doing good on the practice test. I just took a timed test for the first time today and only scored a 950. It might not matter how much I accomplished during my undergrad if I cant perform tomorrow.

It really doesn't matter to me though. I know that God will be there. He knows what I should do with my life and maybe not getting into grad school will be the best thing that ever happens to me. I will just be happy to be done with all these tests. I am excited to see whether or not God wants me to go to FSU this spring or not. Life is exciting and kind of scary right now. At worst I learned some big words out of all this.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

John Wesley

To as little purpose does He talk of "fighting the fight of faith," as vainly hope to attain the crown of incorruption, (as we may, Lastly, infer from the preceding observations,) whose heart is not circumcised by love. Love, cutting off both the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye, and the pride of life, -- engaging the whole man, body, soul, and spirit, in the ardent pursuit of that one object,-is so essential to a child of God, that, without it, whosoever liveth is counted dead before him. "Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love, I am as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. Though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, and have not love, I am nothing." Nay, "though I give all my goods to feed the poor, and my body to be burned, and have not love, it profit me nothing."

Saturday, October 10, 2009


lately, every time something doesn't work out the way I want it to, I see God's reason within a day. It is really crazy; but time after time it keeps happening. Over the last 6 weeks within 24 hours I have seen the reason for everything that has upset me. Not one thing was without reason but done for a better cause. Some of the things have been hurtful but God's will is not suppose to come easy. I use to not realize His reasoning until years after the fact. I hope this is me actually maturing and not just all coincidence. It brings great peace. Maybe I am wrong, but I will continue thinking I am right because I have found comfort in it.


I think I need some new friends.

Friday, October 9, 2009


How can one think of witnessing to others as just a responsibility?

We were talking about it at Bible Study last night and I expressed that sometimes it is hard to think you can make a difference in a person’s life when no one has ever been changed by your witnessing. The pastor said that I don’t have to worry about that part; it is only my responsibility to tell them about it, the Holy Spirit has to be working inside them for there to be a change. I almost felt like he was saying to not worry about the outcome and I really have nothing to do with what a person believes. I see how that is somewhat true but I will not allow myself to think like that. I do not share the love of God out of mere responsibility; I share it out of love. I have been talking to a few people this week who have made me cry because they don’t accept the gospel. There is nothing worse then having a loved one not saved. I hope the pastor was not alluding to giving up on these people after I have shared with them. I will never give up. I have been working on some people for years and I feel like I have been put in their lives for a reason. I can’t just say “well I tried”. I will continue to try; hopefully I can make a difference before it is too late. I just wish I was a better example.

Eternity is too long to get wrong.

Acts 1:8

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


I decided if I am finally going to do it, I should do it big. It’s not like I have any reservations about it. I know from years of prayer. I will do everything I can and that is what I have always done. I hope the years of love have paid off. All of my will can’t change God’s so if it is not meant to be then I will accept it. I just decided that going about it in a weak manner would not demonstrate how much I believe in it. It would be easier but why take the easy way for the thing I want most? If I have even the slightest chance I am going to risk everything for it, He will protect me.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Life is too good to give to God

I have a great plan for my life. It gives me everything I want. I graduate, get a good job and start a family. I will be active in a church and hopefully get into some form of political position where I can feel like I am making a difference. While talking to a friend about this I was reminded of the song "I need you Jesus" particularly the line "This world has nothing for me, I will follow you". If I believed this then I would not need my plan to work and I could do the things God wanted me to do. I am clinging on to the hope that God does not want me to join the Military; I am so scared that is His plan. If only my life was not going so well. How can I give all this up? I wish I could give into Him. I really don't want to join. He gives us our unique skills and talents for a reason and looking at what He has given me makes it seem like I am wasting them.

I know I can honor God with my plan but it is not the same. I need to stop worrying about this life and fully give it up. I'm sure God could take everything away from me until I stopped loving this world so much. Then it would be a lot easier to submit to His will.

Why am I so selfish?


Maybe if I had less friends I would have better odds of one of them not always having something bad happening to them.
&hearts Cortney - praying

Saturday, October 3, 2009


How much love can a person give? I feel overwhelmed sometimes about how many people I care about and want to give too. I am afraid that I run out after only giving the easy love away. I give it to my family and friends and often neglect the people who really need it.

It is so hard in today's world though to show you care without it coming across wrong. I wish there was more I could do.

Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
-- 1 John 3:18

I have noticed that I use words to love the people I don't have the time to show love to. What good is the praise of man?

I have always prayed that when I tell someone "I love you" for the first time it will come as no surprise because my actions had been full of love.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Man of Faith or Fool?

My life is getting close to a point of uncertainty again. I just went through this in August by moving up to Tallahassee with no place to live. In the next few months my life is going to be even more unpredictable. I have no idea if I will get into Law School, Grad School or even find a job that will provide me enough income to continue living up here. I feel that this is where I am meant to be right now so I have no fear at all about God not providing a way for me to stay here. I am sure I will find a job or start school. Is this faith or foolish? I thought moving up here the way I did was stupid, I am pretty sure my parents would agree. I never thought about it as faith until Mr. and Mrs. Bautz told me that I was living in faith and trusting in God by moving up here. I guess I wasn’t thinking about my move as affecting God. I was only thinking about how it was affecting me. I was lucky that He provided for me when I moved for mostly selfish reasons. I guess it matched His plan so he must be helping me along. I need to realize that while I forget about God, He never stops thinking about me.

Am I a man of faith or just not living in reality? I hope it’s the first but how can I be sure. I make sure I pray about every decision but does that mean I don’t have to worry about it? I feel like it is just immaturity and not faith that I possess. I truly am not worried about what is going to happen in December. It is not possible for God to abandon me.

Jeremiah 29:11