Thursday, December 31, 2009


Do you think any one loved Jesus back as much as He loved them? Definitely not. If I am trying to be Christ like why does it hurt so much when I love and care for people for seemingly no reason? I like to think of life as being fair, but then again if it was I would be going to Hell so I guess I prefer this unfair world God created.

Bottom line:
It is a blessing only from God to be able to love others who don't love back. I will continue trying to remember that I can't out love God and I demonstrate His love with my love for others. The hardest part for me is to continue pure love for someone who has hurt me without trying to hurt them back, just a little. I can see Jesus in this situation just laughing at its pettiness. I think He would say to just love more. What else can one do? I think it is the best way to fix any problem. Does showing a person how they wronged you help? Loving a person who wronged you not only helps the situation but it also shows God's love.

I will continue to try to love everyone, no matter what. Maybe I can touch one persons life.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Eyes on the prize

I am continuing to be filled with Joy this season no matter what is going on around me. I had the best Christmas season I have ever had. Nothing great happened to bring me this joy but I have not been upset once, it is crazy what really focusing on Jesus does to you. I am sad but also happy to leave this weekend. I can’t wait to be back in Tally but I will really miss my family. I lost the job I was supposed to have when I got back but that only brought me more joy. When I found this out I was instantly excited to find a new, better job. I will also miss all the free time I have had this break. I got a lot of good reading time in, along with family and friends. How did I ever get so lucky?

Monday, December 21, 2009


I feel like I am maturing and starting to finally figure out life a little. I am hesitant to say this because I know I will never fully understand things and it is probably my immaturity that is making me feel mature. All I know is that I know what is important in life and I am finally ok with being 100% myself and not caring what anyone thinks. People do not bring me joy, God does. I will act and live the way He made me and HE will provide me with more joy then 99.9% of the world experiences.

Now all I have left is my slight fear that I choose the wrong thing to do with my life next month. I think it might be better for me to not go to grad school and take some time off to serve before I get stuck with loans. It is starting to look like I will just end up going to FSU and taking the safe route. I think the Lord wants us to be risk takers because it requires faith. If only I knew His plan, I wish I could get a sign like Gideon did but I will just have to trust that God is letting me make the right choice for my future. I hope FSU continues to build me into the man I hope to one day become. I love you so much Lord, continue to break me every day.

Friday, December 18, 2009


Sometimes I use the phrase “wartime lifestyle” or “wartime mind-set.” The phrase is helpful—but also lopsided. For me it is mainly helpful. It tells me that there is a war going on in the world between Christ and Satan, truth and falsehood, belief and unbelief. It tells me that there are weapons to be funded and used, but that these weapons are not swords or guns or bombs but the Gospel and prayer and self-sacrificing love (2 Corinthians 10:3-5). And it tells me that the stakes of this conflict are higher than any other war in history; they are eternal and infinite: heaven or hell, eternal joy or eternal torment (Matthew 25:46).

I need to hear this message again and again, because I drift into a peacetime mind-set as certainly as rain falls down and flames go up. I am wired by nature to love the same toys that the world loves. I start to fit in. I start to love what others love. I start to call earth “home.” Before you know it, I am calling luxuries “needs” and using my money just the way unbelievers do. I begin to forget the war. I don’t think much about people perishing. Missions and unreached peoples drop out of my mind. I stop dreaming about the triumphs of grace. I sink into a secular mind-set that looks first to what man can do, not what God can do. It is a terrible sickness. And I thank God for those who have forced me again and again toward a wartime mind-set.

That was taken out of the book, Don't Waste Your Life. I find myself so vulnerable to this peace time lifestyle and the comforts of America. Jesus saves from the American dream. I want to spend some time in a 3rd world country to really get my mindset out of this horrible, materialistic, selfish and comfortable lifestyle we are conditioned into. I am so scared of contentment.

Ralph Winter said-
- America today is a “save yourself” society if there ever was one. But does it really work? The underdeveloped societies suffer from one set of diseases: tuberculosis, malnutrition, pneumonia, parasites, typhoid, cholera, typhus, etc. Affluent America has virtually invented a whole new set of diseases: obesity, arteriosclerosis, heart disease, strokes, lung cancer, venereal disease, cirrhosis of the liver, drug addiction, alcoholism, divorce, battered children, suicide, murder. Take your choice. Labor-saving machines have turned out to be body-killing devices. Our affluence has allowed both mobility and isolation of the nuclear family, and as a result, our divorce courts, our prisons and our mental institutions are flooded. In saving ourselves we have nearly lost ourselves.

"Oh, how many lives are wasted by people who believe that the Christian life means simply avoiding badness and providing for the family. So there is no adultery, no stealing, no killing, no embezzlement, no fraud—just lots of hard work during the day, and lots of TV and PG-13 videos in the evening (during quality family time), and lots of fun stuff on the weekend—woven around church (mostly). This is life for millions of people. Wasted life. We were created for more, far more." (Don't Waste Your Life)

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Honesty and the Homeless

I feel like I have been a little too open lately. I have always heard that a true friend gives honest answers and that sharing deep parts of yourself brings you closer to people. I found that it only works with people who REALLY love. They don’t have to be life-long friends or even people you know, they just have to love. I understand that some things should be kept to yourself but the things we tend to keep hidden are the things that matter most, our deepest feelings, doubts, fears and failures. I want anyone who is love to know all of those about me. I think some people might not want to see the depths of my heart and that is ok and understandable.

I was thinking today when I had around 4 grown men tell me their shame and how they messed up their life how open people can be when someone is open to listen without judgment. They knew I was only there because I loved and cared about them so they shared with me their stories. There is nothing more interesting then the stories of the homeless. I would stay there all day listening to them, and that is all they really want, someone to listen. This openness I found today just showed me how I want to be with everyone. I have found that I always end up giving so much of myself to others who I don’t think really wanted to know so much about me.

I have no solution or final idea, just that I loved today and wish that my friends would be that open to me so I wouldn’t feel weird about being so open to them. It reminds me of the Lifehouse song lyrics “I tried my best to be guarded; I'm an open book instead”. I want to be an open book and I think I am.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Make up my mind

I wish I could decide what I was going to do for more then the next few months. I am now going to try to find a lease that doesn't go into the summer so if I can find a sweet internship overseas I won't have to waste more money. I also am really wondering if FSU is the best place to be getting my degree from. I will see how well their public health program is and than decide. I just have this feeling that I would have gotten into UF and their program is so much better. I can always transfer in the Fall. God must have kept me up in Tallahassee for something so I will stay there as long as I feel led. I don't feel like I got all that was intended for me from there yet. I want to see what happens with 4 Oaks and my good friends up there. UF would make me start over again, I have some good friends their too but no church and it's not the same.
Praying that I follow His plan and not my own. It's so hard to tell the difference sometimes.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Moore Family

Tara is getting a new family in 2 weeks. We got to have dinner with John's parents and his little sister tonight. It went really well. Lots of laughing and fun. I am so excited for them. Marriage is forever and isn't easy for anyone so I just pray it all works out.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


I wish Boanerges was my nickname. Maybe one day. I am reading Mark if you can't tell. I have to say that each day I love the Bible more than the last. I love life so much right now and can't wait to see where God leads me. Of course not everything in my life is perfect but it doesn't have to be, my joy is in Christ alone. I am having a great time back home setting up for Christmas and being with my family. I am working delivery at China Hut right now and its a great job. I got to read 65 pages in "Piercing the Darkness" tonight while at work. We are having dinner with John and his parents this Friday night at our house, should be interesting. Only 7 more days of undergrad left!

Friday, November 27, 2009


I hate how I continue to judge others even though I am so wrong. I still can't get my life straight but for some reason I think some parts of it are better than others. This somehow makes me think I am superior and I try to fix others. I would much rather someone fix me.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Can you ever stop loving someone? I can see love changing or possibly lessening but I don't see how it could ever fully cease. I have never stopped loving someone in my life. There are some people I wish I didn't love but I don't think there is anything I can do about it. I guess that is a good thing because if you read the Bible you find out that if you truly give your life to Christ, and let Him control you, you will be love. As everyone knows, 1st Corinthians 13 talks about love and verse 8 says "Love never ends".

West Palm Beach

I can't wait to go back home on Monday. I get to see Tara and John again, they are getting married sooner than we thought. I am driving home with John Born so that will make the trip a lot more fun than going alone. I feel like this is going to give me a new start. I go back home for a little over a month and come back to Tallahassee a new man, a grad student. Everything is so much clearer now than it was when I got up here 88 days ago. I don't have to spend the whole time trying to figure out what I want. My eyes are open - at least I think they are.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Democracy In America

At first sight there is something surprising in this strange unrest of so many happy men, restless in the midst of abundance. The spectacle itself is however as old as the world; the novelty is to see a whole people furnish an exemplification of it. Their taste for physical gratifications must be regarded as the original source of that secret inquietude which the actions of the Americans betray, and of that inconstancy of which they afford fresh examples every day. He who has set his heart exclusively upon the pursuit of worldly welfare is always in a hurry, for he has but a limited time at his disposal to reach it, to grasp it, and to enjoy it. The recollection of the brevity of life is a constant spur to him. Besides the good things which he possesses, he every instant fancies a thousand others which death will prevent him from trying if he does not try them soon. This thought fills him with anxiety, fear, and regret, and keeps his mind in ceaseless trepidation, which leads him perpetually to change his plans and his abode. If in addition to the taste for physical well-being a social condition be superadded, in which the laws and customs make no condition permanent, here is a great additional stimulant to this restlessness of temper. Men will then be seen continually to change their track, for fear of missing the shortest cut to happiness. It may readily be conceived that if men, passionately bent upon physical gratifications, desire eagerly, they are also easily discouraged: as their ultimate object is to enjoy, the means to reach that object must be prompt and easy, or the trouble of acquiring the gratification would be greater than the gratification itself. Their prevailing frame of mind then is at once ardent and relaxed, violent and enervated. Death is often less dreaded than perseverance in continuous efforts to one end.
- Alexis De Tocqueville


I wish I could change. Do people ever change? I know I'll never be normal and I know that's good but it doesn't make life easy.

It could be worse.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Last Week

This is my last week in Tally. I wish I could make the most of it but I have a lot of catching up to do. I guess people don't take 6, 4000 level classes for a reason. I can't wait to go home next week. I am going to miss it up here but right now I miss home more. I still have this great peace over my life from God. I asked Him for 4 things for spring; understanding, work, admission to FSU and a place to live. I always need more understanding but He has helped me a lot.The only one left for Him to graciously give me is a place to live. I am excited to see where that will be, I would like to find it before I go home but I'm not too worried about it. Matthew 6:25-34 tells me to never be anxious, God cares about me more then I care about myself. He loves me more then my earthly father and I know my Dad would not let me be homeless so neither will God. I am falling more in Love with God everyday.

Saturday, November 14, 2009


Over this last week I have finally realized some crazy things about my self and about God's purpose in the past things of my life. Just today something was revealed to me that explains something I have been confused about for years. I was never quiet long enough to hear Him, I now hear Him daily. God shows me how understanding doesn't change anything and the only reason for Him to show me this is to give me comfort and to bring Him glory.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Desiring God - part 2

I would beg anyone reading this to please read Desiring God by John Piper. It has helped me so much over the past few weeks. I keep wanting to paste huge passages from it onto this but there are just too many. I know I have not been the biggest reader and there are still many great books for me to read but this book will have a lasting effect on my life, I pray it would help change yours too. I spent the day reading it along with the Bible. So much more important then school work. Another night home, not alone, I am never alone anymore. I just never noticed Him there before.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Bucket List

I was looking at someone’s bucket list and I started thinking about all the things I want to do before I die and I realized that none of them matter.

My list tells me to live every day like it is my last and to love one more person so fervently that they see Jesus and are then saved by His grace. I mean how many people out there have done an Ironman, started a family, and been a great businessman? They will not be remembered. His love is the only thing lasting and the people we save are the only things we get to bring with us once we die. I am going to selfishly bring as much as I can to heaven with me.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Time and Money

Those are two things I am running out of. My boss is acting like my job, which I was planning on getting for while I get my masters, might not be there. I just have to pray for that. I also still don't have a place to live. I am not sure what I should do for my housing situation. I might see if there is a church family that will let me live with them. I would like to get out of school in as little debt as possible and it looks like there is not a lot, if any, financial aid available. I also realized that it makes since to move back home after thanksgiving. So now I have to get all my things set up for FSU, find a house and pack up in the next 2 weeks. I have a million things due for school and I'm still suppose to go out of town this weekend. Would it be horrible for me to try to get out of it?

Monday, November 9, 2009


I have decided that I am going to be happy with whatever happens. God has not failed me yet and I know He never will so my fears are gone. I am just excited to see what happens.

Saturday, November 7, 2009


I am so weak Lord. I have not been able to accept that you are all I need. I am so close to ruining something great that you blessed me with because nothing on this earth is ever enough. I know that no matter what you give me I will want more, for this I am sorry. I want, so badly, to be solely satisfied in you. I have been trying for years.

Please give me wisdom to understand and words to speak. Please let whatever happens be pleasing to you. Please give me patience and clarity to see there is a MUCH MUCH bigger plan then the one I want so badly. This way when my plan fails I will still have hope, which is what I fear most, losing hope. I want a definite answer but I only have a 50-50 chance of being happy by it without your help. With you the answer is arbitrary. Keep my hope intact Lord. Never let me forget that this world has nothing for me. My prayer is basically the song “Rescue”, it is a great song.

I see how you have intervened every time I was about to mess up my life and prevented me from doing it. Even though I did not understand or like it at the time, I am so thankful.

Keep me loving and seeking you first, I hate it when I let others take your place.

In Jesus name we pray, Amen

Desiring God

“Love is the overflow of joy in God that gladly meets the needs of others” - John Piper
I hope I learn to love the right way so it is pleasing not only to others but to God also so it can bring true joy unto myself. I have learned that this is not selfish but something that God delights in so we should also.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

2nd place

I seem to like being second best, I am the opportunity cost.So thankful the only opinion that matters doesn't think of me this way.


I am once again going to try to live by my own advice and stop idolizing something and give it to Him. I do not know why it is so hard. I have no complainants about giving it to Him but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I have thought one way for the last 4 years and to just stop my mind is very challenging. Luckily God is so much greater then I and He can do it easily. He wont make it easy because then I will not get the full benefit but He will never give me more then I can handle. I hate feeling like I was powerless in this situation, but who am I to change fate? I may have done everything right but it was just not part of the plan. I just hope I can someday truly believe that and not think I was inadequate. I just need to let go of it and let more of God in to fill the space I have been filling with something earthly which has only brought pain. I will be able to find all the joy I need in Christ.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


I am around 100pages into "Desiring God" and it is amazing and life changing. It is also very harsh, I always hoped the narrow path was wider then He eludes too. It never seemed fully right that all one had to do was believe that Jesus died for our sins and a few things that go along with that to enter Heaven. While there are verses that state that, John Piper shows us so many more which demonstrate how few Christians will actually enter into His kingdom. I am very happy to be one of His elect but it brings me great sorrow knowing how many people I once hoped would make it in most likely wont. He is still just, and I definitely do not deserve the grace He gave me by electing me, but it still hurts to think of all the people living with the wrong heart who just don't understand what God wants from them. My prayers go to all of them, it might be a greater call to help the lukewarm Christians become Christian Hedonists. If you really think about the number of people who are truly loving and living in Him the number is minuscule. We are told the small number of people who attend church, unfortunately this number does not correlate very well with the people who are living for Him.

Monday, November 2, 2009


I don't have much homework to do this week. This brings me joy because I have been neglecting good reading for schoolwork. Today I read my 3rd Joshua Harris book, "Stop Dating The Church, Fall In Love With The Family Of God". It was really good. I can't believe how long I have gone without being a part of a church. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway - no more. I also read a few chapters in "Don't Waste Your Life" and "Desiring God". I need to get back into "Piercing the Darkness" and I will be getting a new book for my Fellowship group. I still have our other membership book to read and it would always be nice to just read the Bible. I start my day with 2 devotionals and I have my Thursday Night Bible Study book to read. It is times like this which make me wish I was going to Seminary rather than Public Health. How great would the homework be? Right now I am reading 5 different text books about health care. It requires a few hours every day in tedious, repetitive health care drivel. If my school work was also my passion how great would that be? It would never feel like a waste. For now it is just an unrealistic dream, it can go along side all my other dreams that are too outlandish for me to pursue.

I always hated reading growing up, I forced myself to like it because I realized I could never be anything without it. Readers are Leaders

Sunday, November 1, 2009


This is going to be another great week. I am starting to get busy which is amazing. Notables this week are Stephie's 22nd Birthday, Josh visiting, Phil Wickham; all this along with the normal Thursday Bible Study and amazing church make for a ever improving time up in Tally.

I had a great day, loving and productive. I met some amazing people at church and at my fellowship group. These are the people I have been looking my whole life for, people who immediately show you love. I have never been good at doing that but I knew it was something Christians were suppose to do but I had never witnessed it. At Four Oaks everyone has shown so much love and I have only been there for about a month.

God is good. I have more joy in my life then ever before. I may have a lot of problems right now but that is the great thing about joy, it is not dependent on circumstances, God just grants it to you.

Thank you for Joy and Peace in my time of despair and uncertainty Lord.


I am not trying to be better then anyone. I just don't want to ever stop trying to be more like Him.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Time Management

Is there such a thing as having too much time if you are a christian? Shouldn't we be spending all extra time in the Word or helping others? I am going to work on this. I feel like I should never be bored because there is so much I should be doing. God has called me, not to sit around but to act.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


Makes me smile

Gives me joy

Shows me beauty

Always loves me

Never lets me down

I wish I could find a girl like this, but then I might get content without Jesus. I need to cut others some slack, God made us all imperfect for this reason.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Mom fell at TJ-Max today and broke her elbow. She was in so much pain when she called me. I was hoping it wouldn’t be that bad because of all the pain medication she is already on but I guess not. I hate that she is home during the day alone and things like this can happen. I mean the reason I moved home after sophomore year to help my family and they still need lots of help. I don’t know if they will ever be good though. I guess in America we are told that we don’t have to take care of our families after we are 18. I mean even if I was home this still could have happened, but I could help out around the house and with Trev so my Dad doesn’t have even more work to do. I don’t know who has it harder, my Mom or Dad. Somehow they are still so positive and full of love. I am so thankful to have them as parents; they have always done their best and given me more than they should have. I know I would have had to move away eventually but I didn’t have to leave this semester, I just wanted to be with friends. God works in mysterious ways, maybe I needed this more then they needed me – or even better maybe someone up here needs me. Lol I like thinking I am needed, who knows, maybe no one needs me.

As always, LOTS and LOTS of prayer - it's the only thing I can do from up here.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Work Meetings

Nothing Like a 7hr meeting and a pad of paper to give me some great new ideas. I get a better idea for my life every week; I pray it all works out.Some days I am so sure it will and others I am in such doubt about it. This is the scariest my life has ever been. there are so many huge things going on right now. My life could seriously go in so many different directions by the start of 2010. It should give me peace that I have no control over these things, but I know His plan sometimes uses pain for good and I fear that. I will just keep repeating the Word. Isaiah 64:4 tells me - no eye has seen a God besides thee, who works for those who wait for Him.
I am waiting Lord.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Old Friend

Today while I was running I got a call from an old friend. I decided to stop running and pick it up. He was calling just to ask if I needed any prayer. I told him the major things in my life that need prayer and asked him what I could pray for. We also talked about what God is doing in our lives and where we think He is leading us - understanding where He is leading us was something we both really wanted prayer about.

This was a really uplifting conversation but I got to thinking after I hung up, why I don't ask my friends what they need prayer about? I pray for everyone in my life, but I pray for what I believe they need, not what they ask me to pray about. It is an awkward thing to ask. If someone answers truthfully it is very personal. We need prayer for our weaknesses and many people want to keep these hidden. I then got to thinking about the people I pray about and if they would want to tell me what they REALLY need prayer about. There have been a few big things that I never asked for prayer about because I did not want anyone to know about them.

I would not have given him all the information about my life and my current feelings if he had not asked about where I needed prayer. This just made me feel like it was ok to be uncensored. I hope that I can get past the awkward with people and start asking them how I can help them through prayer.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


I wish I could look ahead 10 years just to make sure I’m doing it right. Will the people I can’t live without now still be in my life at all? I didn’t know any of them 10 years ago and I can’t expect us to stay close forever can I? I only went to FSU to prolong the inevitable, I was not ready to say goodbye yet. I only bought myself 2 more years before it just won’t be possible anymore. So much will change, how can I even guess what my life will look like? Do I really want it to resemble my present life, or even my vision? What I envision is always so much worse then what God blesses me with.

My main question is what I would do differently now if I saw a glimpse of my future and did not like it. I honestly think I am doing everything to the best of my ability and I know I am doing my very best to listen to God in every action. I hope God is setting me up for love and joy. At least I know if He is not, it is for His glory and I will be rewarded in my infinitely more important life after death.

New tangent, but still about the future- how fast people get married when they find the one. What is it going to feel like when my close friends go from single to married in 6 months? He has someone who loves me set aside; I just can’t wait until he reveals it to me. I know she is praying every night about me while I pray for her. I always seem to love the things that are worst for me; it is so good I am not choosing her. God chose the most amazing person in the world to love me and bring me joy. That is what I hope to see in 10 years - along with every other person in the world. I have made it 21 years so far without it, I still can’t decide if that is good or not. I probably have just as many problems from never having another person to love as it has saved me from. I might be a person with just too much passion to not have an outlet for it… I know I will make a great husband and father but maybe my passion is meant for something much greater. Without any outlet I can use it all for Him. This is not what selfish Tyler wants to see in 10 years but wouldn’t it be so much more beautiful?

I just hope I am strong enough to continue seeing the reasons in my situation even if it continues for the rest of my life. I will not find joy in my plan if it is not matching anyway. My long-term prayer needs to be two parts; I will continue to pray for her in hopes God will give me love but I will also pray that I will accept whatever happens and use it for the Kingdom.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I went to a beautiful memorial service today for someone who sounded like Mother Teresa. I never met this 94 year old women, Budd Bell. I went because my boss asked me if I wanted to, and I figured sitting in a seat trying not to cry for 3-4 hours would be a good idea. I was amazing, I really wish I had the opportunity to have met this women. The stories of her love toward the less fortunate keep me holding back tears. She continued working violently with legislation to help cause change into her 90s. This women gave so much love to others just because she felt like it was the right thing to do, her daughter said she was agnostic. I have the love of Jesus inside of me and I have never given uncomfortably to the needy. Another thing to work on. I think I was also meant to be there to see that not only Christians have love like that. I get caught up in thinking we are better. We have a higher reason to be better, but this does not mean we are following that calling. This women out shown many of us in compassion without His help

How much more can I accomplish?


Monday, October 19, 2009

New Prayer

Today I have a new prayer. It honors God a lot more then my old, selfish one which ended with "Your will be done", just to make me feel like I was not demanding something from Him, did.

The next 60 years of my life need to be spent with the sinners. I will be able to spend eternity worshiping God with all the people I love. I am glad I will not be able to feel guilt and sorrow for all the lives I could have brought with me to Heaven but chose to ignore. God will know what I have done and still look me in the eyes with more love then I have ever known. He asked so little of me and yet I did even less. I have no idea how God could love people, just another reason I know His way is better.

I also am praying even harder for my Mom. I talked to her on the phone today and she sounded so bad. She is in a lot of pain, she didn't even want to talk for very long because she hurt so bad. She was about to cry when I finished talking to her. I told her I was not sure if I was going to go home this weekend yet. I just don't like driving for 7hrs alone, but after I hung up I knew I would go see her. She loves me so much and I am the only one who lets her get close, my siblings really need to step it up. I never use to understand her because I never understood myself. She is so much like me. She is in so much anguish and I know that going to see her will at least make her feel loved which can cover the hurt of pain for at least a few moments.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Great day

So this Sunday consisted of a freezing morning run, Church, new newcomer's lunch, 5k(which was the slowest I have ever run but still went by faster then any other race, I should do all races like that),then finished the day up at my pastors house with more amazing people carving pumpkins for the first time in my life. God knew what I needed and He brought me joy today.

On a side note, I heard "You're Beautiful" by Phil Wickham on Pandora yesterday and have been listening to it on repeat for the last 24hrs. It is amazing.

What is wrong with me?

I am so emotional these days and I can’t understand it. There has to be some underlining circumstance but I have been in constant prayer and I just don’t see why the slightest thing can bring me to tears. I know it is not from one specific problem, it is everything. Last month I was at church, by myself, and I just couldn’t stop crying through the whole service. It is embarrassing and I don’t know what I am searching for, I think I have cried and prayed over every area of my life. Most nights have ended that way for me lately and I would love it to stop. I have so much to be joyful about and I feel like I am happy, I just don’t know what this is coming from., I need to figure out what this is and have the Lord remove it from me.

I stopped after I wrote that and really thought about it and I think it comes from a feeling that I am not loved. I must have inherited this from my Mom; she has chronic depression and has always wanted me to get tested. I never wanted to know if I had it or not because I know being happy comes from the Lord and I will never think He is not enough. Even though it may be wrong and I might be able to be happier if I did take medicine, I am going to continue to rely on Him for my joy. I know the devil lies and goes for people’s weaknesses and I truly have more than my fair share of love. I have a desire to be loved by everyone and this is illogical. The one thing I do wish is that people I love would love me equally. Is this not a common thing? I just feel that no one loves me more then I love them. I seriously would do anything for so many people and I find it hard to get even a call back from some of them. Understandably their lives are much more hectic then mine but it does not stop me from wanting it. I know that God’s love is the only one that won’t let you down and the only love that is truly fulfilling but I crave earthly love. Not marriage per say but genuine caring for another person. Knowing I can count on someone to be there for me and do everything they could for my benefit. Maybe people just don’t think like that anymore. I don’t know what I want but maybe someone doing something unexpected just to show they care. I know this will not change my heart and bring me any kind of lasting joy; it will only bring a brief flow of temporary happiness. Knowing this, why do I crave it? I constantly have to keep readjusting my focus because, as I have just demonstrated, it is weak. I want to be so strong that I could live alone and serve people who hated me without a single friend but God. This is my prayer, to learn how to be content on the One we were created for.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Struggling (word count on this 777)

How can God give me so much and still allow me to feel so empty? I hate that I can answer that question before I finish asking it. He can so I will seek Him more fervently. When the world brings me joy I don’t need God. I stop crying out to Him and I find temporary happiness. God is a lot more concerned with my eternity then He is with me having fun on any given day. Even as I understand this it is still hard to accept. I hate it but I feel like I deserve to enjoy the world just as much as everyone else. How can I feel like this? What great man of God found joy in the world? God has planned every single minute of my life for a reason and I need remember this always. I seem to keep forgetting.

Today I did great on the GRE so I can stay up here if I want to but its days like today that make me wonder if I really should. I miss my family so much and I am so lonely, basically living alone out in the woods. I know God is all I need but I have not been able to continually feel that comfort, it is ephemeral to me for some reason. Some moments I feel so strong but within an instant I am nothing again.

I feel like I am too late to make new friends or I am just not good at it anymore. It is also hard because everyone I work with is old and I don’t go to class or live near anyone who is my age. All my old friends, who were not numerous to begin with, have moved on to new friendships with people I don’t mesh with or are just too busy to be what I need. I feel like I have become a burden to them now because they all have to try to include me in where I no longer fit. I know life can never stay the same but I miss the way things were. I also miss the innocence of my friends, everyone has changed. Why did we all have to grow up so fast? I don’t want to be a college graduate taking out loans and working all the time. What was my other option? We aren’t given many; somehow this is the most desirable one.

Maybe this is not where I am meant to live. There were many reasons why I moved here that just aren’t making since anymore. I gave it a shot so I don’t have to wonder what would have happened if I never did it. Something I talked to Stephie about years ago and this was my once in a lifetime chance. I’ll admit Tallahassee has some great attributes to it and I am in love with some of the people here but is it enough? Should those few things determine where I reside? In the book Twelve Pillars by Jim Rohn, he asks why we hold on to old relationships that are not beneficial to us. It is one of life’s hardest things but maybe I need to let go. I think they have. I shouldn’t act like things haven’t changed.

I hope I can find some good Christian men to grow close to. I don’t know how I have never had a strong, close friend who was a Christian. I should rephrase that to ‘I have never had a Christ following or centered relationship with another man. I have had this sort of friendship with Stephie and Kate but it is harder to get close with a person of the opposite sex. John now hates it when I try to talk to him about His love and finds it enjoyable to throw sin in my face knowing how it hurts me. Most Christians find themselves in a Christian bubble but I have never been able to find that bubble. How did this happen when I grew up a Christian and went to a Christian school? Honestly I just don’t think there are a lot of strong Christian men out there. I hope I am wrong, and I am not implying that I am one, only that I need one in my life.

I will just have to spend the night in the Word looking for God’s ever elusive plan for my life. It would obviously bring God more pleasure to have me spend a Friday night studying Him then going out. The heartbreaking part is that He has to force me into it by thwarting all my other options.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


A long with everything else I had going on this semester, like taking 18 credits, I had to study for the LSAT and GRE. People might assume I am smart but I just work hard. I am really bad at tests like these. I go into this test tomorrow with just finishing the GRE book today and not doing good on the practice test. I just took a timed test for the first time today and only scored a 950. It might not matter how much I accomplished during my undergrad if I cant perform tomorrow.

It really doesn't matter to me though. I know that God will be there. He knows what I should do with my life and maybe not getting into grad school will be the best thing that ever happens to me. I will just be happy to be done with all these tests. I am excited to see whether or not God wants me to go to FSU this spring or not. Life is exciting and kind of scary right now. At worst I learned some big words out of all this.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

John Wesley

To as little purpose does He talk of "fighting the fight of faith," as vainly hope to attain the crown of incorruption, (as we may, Lastly, infer from the preceding observations,) whose heart is not circumcised by love. Love, cutting off both the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye, and the pride of life, -- engaging the whole man, body, soul, and spirit, in the ardent pursuit of that one object,-is so essential to a child of God, that, without it, whosoever liveth is counted dead before him. "Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love, I am as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. Though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, and have not love, I am nothing." Nay, "though I give all my goods to feed the poor, and my body to be burned, and have not love, it profit me nothing."

Saturday, October 10, 2009


lately, every time something doesn't work out the way I want it to, I see God's reason within a day. It is really crazy; but time after time it keeps happening. Over the last 6 weeks within 24 hours I have seen the reason for everything that has upset me. Not one thing was without reason but done for a better cause. Some of the things have been hurtful but God's will is not suppose to come easy. I use to not realize His reasoning until years after the fact. I hope this is me actually maturing and not just all coincidence. It brings great peace. Maybe I am wrong, but I will continue thinking I am right because I have found comfort in it.


I think I need some new friends.

Friday, October 9, 2009


How can one think of witnessing to others as just a responsibility?

We were talking about it at Bible Study last night and I expressed that sometimes it is hard to think you can make a difference in a person’s life when no one has ever been changed by your witnessing. The pastor said that I don’t have to worry about that part; it is only my responsibility to tell them about it, the Holy Spirit has to be working inside them for there to be a change. I almost felt like he was saying to not worry about the outcome and I really have nothing to do with what a person believes. I see how that is somewhat true but I will not allow myself to think like that. I do not share the love of God out of mere responsibility; I share it out of love. I have been talking to a few people this week who have made me cry because they don’t accept the gospel. There is nothing worse then having a loved one not saved. I hope the pastor was not alluding to giving up on these people after I have shared with them. I will never give up. I have been working on some people for years and I feel like I have been put in their lives for a reason. I can’t just say “well I tried”. I will continue to try; hopefully I can make a difference before it is too late. I just wish I was a better example.

Eternity is too long to get wrong.

Acts 1:8

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


I decided if I am finally going to do it, I should do it big. It’s not like I have any reservations about it. I know from years of prayer. I will do everything I can and that is what I have always done. I hope the years of love have paid off. All of my will can’t change God’s so if it is not meant to be then I will accept it. I just decided that going about it in a weak manner would not demonstrate how much I believe in it. It would be easier but why take the easy way for the thing I want most? If I have even the slightest chance I am going to risk everything for it, He will protect me.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Life is too good to give to God

I have a great plan for my life. It gives me everything I want. I graduate, get a good job and start a family. I will be active in a church and hopefully get into some form of political position where I can feel like I am making a difference. While talking to a friend about this I was reminded of the song "I need you Jesus" particularly the line "This world has nothing for me, I will follow you". If I believed this then I would not need my plan to work and I could do the things God wanted me to do. I am clinging on to the hope that God does not want me to join the Military; I am so scared that is His plan. If only my life was not going so well. How can I give all this up? I wish I could give into Him. I really don't want to join. He gives us our unique skills and talents for a reason and looking at what He has given me makes it seem like I am wasting them.

I know I can honor God with my plan but it is not the same. I need to stop worrying about this life and fully give it up. I'm sure God could take everything away from me until I stopped loving this world so much. Then it would be a lot easier to submit to His will.

Why am I so selfish?


Maybe if I had less friends I would have better odds of one of them not always having something bad happening to them.
&hearts Cortney - praying

Saturday, October 3, 2009


How much love can a person give? I feel overwhelmed sometimes about how many people I care about and want to give too. I am afraid that I run out after only giving the easy love away. I give it to my family and friends and often neglect the people who really need it.

It is so hard in today's world though to show you care without it coming across wrong. I wish there was more I could do.

Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
-- 1 John 3:18

I have noticed that I use words to love the people I don't have the time to show love to. What good is the praise of man?

I have always prayed that when I tell someone "I love you" for the first time it will come as no surprise because my actions had been full of love.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Man of Faith or Fool?

My life is getting close to a point of uncertainty again. I just went through this in August by moving up to Tallahassee with no place to live. In the next few months my life is going to be even more unpredictable. I have no idea if I will get into Law School, Grad School or even find a job that will provide me enough income to continue living up here. I feel that this is where I am meant to be right now so I have no fear at all about God not providing a way for me to stay here. I am sure I will find a job or start school. Is this faith or foolish? I thought moving up here the way I did was stupid, I am pretty sure my parents would agree. I never thought about it as faith until Mr. and Mrs. Bautz told me that I was living in faith and trusting in God by moving up here. I guess I wasn’t thinking about my move as affecting God. I was only thinking about how it was affecting me. I was lucky that He provided for me when I moved for mostly selfish reasons. I guess it matched His plan so he must be helping me along. I need to realize that while I forget about God, He never stops thinking about me.

Am I a man of faith or just not living in reality? I hope it’s the first but how can I be sure. I make sure I pray about every decision but does that mean I don’t have to worry about it? I feel like it is just immaturity and not faith that I possess. I truly am not worried about what is going to happen in December. It is not possible for God to abandon me.

Jeremiah 29:11

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Luke 18:25

This was posted on Twitter by John Piper. It was written by his eldest son. I liked how it related to what I was saying yesterday, and it is amazing.

Luke 18.25
by Karsten Piper

He spread his blanket on the sand,
kneeled and arranged his bowls and tools:
hook, mallet, clamp, chisel, rasp, razor.

His smile glinted in the rongeur’s claws,
and upside down in the curette’s spoon.
Light shone out of the needle’s eye.

“Hoosh,” he said and began plucking hairs,
paring calluses, shearing wool, shaving
to the follicles, cutting to the quick.

He sorted these, trimming skin with skin,
hair with hair, into rows of clay bowls,
and set a large basin to catch each sour drip

as he sliced the hide and used both fists
to yank back the whole stubbled, gray pelt,
as wet and red on its underside as afterbirth.

He piled this heavily away, draping it
in clean linen, and turned to the meat and bone
heaving under sheer, tight membrane.

Sawteeth chewed into femur, rib and shoulder.
Pliers twisted and wrenched away tendons
until everything softened, canted, and collapsed—

yet not one sliver dies. Each ribbon and shard
bawls for the horror and hurt of their missing,
wishing for the old braying wholeness.

Pain bloodies evening and morning,
stabbing day after day from even the first cuts,
like the slow light of far stars.

Eyeballs and heart float alone in the last bowl,
dark and defenseless, quavering when he leans down
and they recognize in his eyes how little is left.

“Easy now, Camel,” he says and lifts me
in his fingertips, one quivering strand at a time,
through the eye of the needle.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Knocks Me Down

Last week I was feeling great, I thought everything was finally how it should be and I had finally grown up. This week showed me how weak I am, I still have way too much of my happiness tied up in people. I was hoping that I had gotten past that and I was content with only having God's love. I was lying to myself. It doesn't matter how many Bible verses I can quote about this, I know how I am suppose to feel. I am just not there yet. I know He is enough and the things of earth should not bring me pleasure. I pray that I can grow to a point where I truly stop searching the world for contentment and let God give me the abounding joy he has in store for me.

I feel like God is trying to break me so I will stop relying on myself. I wish he would just get it over with and stop doing it little by little dragging it out. I know I am too confident in my own abilities and I would love to give all my problems to Christ, I just don't know how.

I will just have to allow God to teach me though pain how to let go and listen to Him. It will only hurt worse if I resist.

Friday, September 25, 2009

FSU Cross Country

So while I was out on my run today I decided that I think I can make the FSU Cross Country team in the fall. They have guys who are only running 27s. I think by the fall I will be able to do that. I will be happy if they let me run just one race. I can get a jersey and say I did it. I realized that I have never not made a team in my life, so why should I think I can't make this one. After I qualify for Boston I will work on my speed and learn how to hold 5:30s and I should be set. How sweet would it be to get one more year of collegiate running in. FSU has a great team too, so I wont feel like a loser for only making FAU's team. I'll finished up my masters and run cross country, sounds good.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

2 types of runs

So there are two different types of runs that I go on. I have my easy runs which I like to use as quiet time with God. When I am just jogging around and looking at the beauty of the world He created I can really feel Him. I honestly don't know how I could go without running at least a few days a week. It clears my head and makes me feel so much better. I spend the majority of this run thinking, praying and singing. I don't think anyone can here me so I sing pretty loud. Then there are my hard runs, these are no fun at all; unless they are with other people. If I am racing someone I can get a little joy out of it, but by myself it is just pain. I only do a hard run once or maybe twice a week so it isn't too bad. On these runs I listen to music to try to stop my mind from thinking. They hurt really bad and usually take a long time so anything that can divert my mind is appreciated.

Today's run was a hard one. I wanted to see how long it would take me to run from my house to the Art building. I thought it was 5 miles away, but it was only around 4.5. I made it in 29mins but it was too hard. I ran past it a little and made my run last an hour and a half. The rest of the run was just miserable. I was thirsty and dead. It was my 3rd day in a row of running. I have been having legs problems and have only been running 2 consecutive days for a while now. Good news is that my leg didn't hurt and I now have a day or two off because I need to study.


I feel like my last post made me sound like I understood God and how to live right. I have no idea at all. I love posting verses and writing about things I understand, but anyone can do that. I do not want people to think of me as an arrogant christian who thinks he knows everything. I struggle to find answers every time I am challenged by unbelievers. How sad is that when I went to christian school and have been a christian my whole live? I have read the Bible in its entirety and still can't find words to help in most situations. All I can do is keep learning and praying for the gift of saving souls. Yes, the main mission of Christians is to share the word, which I have done. To my knowledge I have never led anyone to believing though. I think most people I try to tell the good news to are upset that I did so. I want to help play my part in this world and make the angels rejoice.

I humbly come giving my two cents on life with very limited knowledge. God used Moses, giving him the words to speak. If something good comes out of me, it is not from me but Him.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Why not?

I have been keeping a Journal and writing Blogs for classes so I decided to just add a Blog to post my real thoughts and feelings.

Things have been really different for me lately but in a good way. I was afraid that I would fall back into a comfort zone once I got up here. I did not want to fall back at all in my relationship once I left the strong love of my home. I knew it would be hard too; having my best friend in a fraternity and being around that scene.

I surprised myself at how completely uninterested I am to the things of this world. I have always been relatively resistant to temptations but now the things I use to struggle with don't even tempt me anymore. I laugh at their uselessness and the pain they cause. I am reminded in Proverbs 27:12,"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it". I just hope I am the prudent, there are really so many dangers, I have been pretty good at taking refuge from the obvious ones but there is so much more.

I have also been given a great peace this last week. I have been reading a lot for once and I came across some stories which demonstrated God's timing so beautifully. For some reason, I guess it is stems from never being in a relationship, I had had a fear of never getting married. This is just crazy to be thinking at only 21. I don't know if it came from that or all the school work, real work or entrance exams I have been worrying about but I have been restless for the first time in my life since I have been up here. It has never taken me longer then 5mins to fall asleep before I moved to Tallahassee. For the past 4 weeks I have laid in bed for hours every night. I think it will start to fade away because I truly found peace last weekend. God has something so amazing for me if I can just be patient. In Christ the best is always yet to come.

Casting my cares to Christ; He cares for me more then I can imagine.