Judging

I hate how I continue to judge others even though I am so wrong. I still can't get my life straight but for some reason I think some parts of it are better than others. This somehow makes me think I am superior and I try to fix others. I would much rather someone fix me.

Love

Can you ever stop loving someone? I can see love changing or possibly lessening but I don't see how it could ever fully cease. I have never stopped loving someone in my life. There are some people I wish I didn't love but I don't think there is anything I can do about it. I guess that is a good thing because if you read the Bible you find out that if you truly give your life to Christ, and let Him control you, you will be love. As everyone knows, 1st Corinthians 13 talks about love and verse 8 says "Love never ends".

West Palm Beach

I can't wait to go back home on Monday. I get to see Tara and John again, they are getting married sooner than we thought. I am driving home with John Born so that will make the trip a lot more fun than going alone. I feel like this is going to give me a new start. I go back home for a little over a month and come back to Tallahassee a new man, a grad student. Everything is so much clearer now than it was when I got up here 88 days ago. I don't have to spend the whole time trying to figure out what I want. My eyes are open - at least I think they are.

Democracy In America

At first sight there is something surprising in this strange unrest of so many happy men, restless in the midst of abundance. The spectacle itself is however as old as the world; the novelty is to see a whole people furnish an exemplification of it. Their taste for physical gratifications must be regarded as the original source of that secret inquietude which the actions of the Americans betray, and of that inconstancy of which they afford fresh examples every day. He who has set his heart exclusively upon the pursuit of worldly welfare is always in a hurry, for he has but a limited time at his disposal to reach it, to grasp it, and to enjoy it. The recollection of the brevity of life is a constant spur to him. Besides the good things which he possesses, he every instant fancies a thousand others which death will prevent him from trying if he does not try them soon. This thought fills him with anxiety, fear, and regret, and keeps his mind in ceaseless trepidation, which leads him perpetually to change his plans and his abode. If in addition to the taste for physical well-being a social condition be superadded, in which the laws and customs make no condition permanent, here is a great additional stimulant to this restlessness of temper. Men will then be seen continually to change their track, for fear of missing the shortest cut to happiness. It may readily be conceived that if men, passionately bent upon physical gratifications, desire eagerly, they are also easily discouraged: as their ultimate object is to enjoy, the means to reach that object must be prompt and easy, or the trouble of acquiring the gratification would be greater than the gratification itself. Their prevailing frame of mind then is at once ardent and relaxed, violent and enervated. Death is often less dreaded than perseverance in continuous efforts to one end.
- Alexis De Tocqueville

Vicissitude

I wish I could change. Do people ever change? I know I'll never be normal and I know that's good but it doesn't make life easy.

It could be worse.

Last Week

This is my last week in Tally. I wish I could make the most of it but I have a lot of catching up to do. I guess people don't take 6, 4000 level classes for a reason. I can't wait to go home next week. I am going to miss it up here but right now I miss home more. I still have this great peace over my life from God. I asked Him for 4 things for spring; understanding, work, admission to FSU and a place to live. I always need more understanding but He has helped me a lot.The only one left for Him to graciously give me is a place to live. I am excited to see where that will be, I would like to find it before I go home but I'm not too worried about it. Matthew 6:25-34 tells me to never be anxious, God cares about me more then I care about myself. He loves me more then my earthly father and I know my Dad would not let me be homeless so neither will God. I am falling more in Love with God everyday.

Epiphany

Over this last week I have finally realized some crazy things about my self and about God's purpose in the past things of my life. Just today something was revealed to me that explains something I have been confused about for years. I was never quiet long enough to hear Him, I now hear Him daily. God shows me how understanding doesn't change anything and the only reason for Him to show me this is to give me comfort and to bring Him glory.

Desiring God - part 2

I would beg anyone reading this to please read Desiring God by John Piper. It has helped me so much over the past few weeks. I keep wanting to paste huge passages from it onto this but there are just too many. I know I have not been the biggest reader and there are still many great books for me to read but this book will have a lasting effect on my life, I pray it would help change yours too. I spent the day reading it along with the Bible. So much more important then school work. Another night home, not alone, I am never alone anymore. I just never noticed Him there before.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/17440310/Desiring-GodJohn-Piper

Bucket List

I was looking at someone’s bucket list and I started thinking about all the things I want to do before I die and I realized that none of them matter.

My list tells me to live every day like it is my last and to love one more person so fervently that they see Jesus and are then saved by His grace. I mean how many people out there have done an Ironman, started a family, and been a great businessman? They will not be remembered. His love is the only thing lasting and the people we save are the only things we get to bring with us once we die. I am going to selfishly bring as much as I can to heaven with me.

Time and Money

Those are two things I am running out of. My boss is acting like my job, which I was planning on getting for while I get my masters, might not be there. I just have to pray for that. I also still don't have a place to live. I am not sure what I should do for my housing situation. I might see if there is a church family that will let me live with them. I would like to get out of school in as little debt as possible and it looks like there is not a lot, if any, financial aid available. I also realized that it makes since to move back home after thanksgiving. So now I have to get all my things set up for FSU, find a house and pack up in the next 2 weeks. I have a million things due for school and I'm still suppose to go out of town this weekend. Would it be horrible for me to try to get out of it?

Trusting

I have decided that I am going to be happy with whatever happens. God has not failed me yet and I know He never will so my fears are gone. I am just excited to see what happens.

Prayer

I am so weak Lord. I have not been able to accept that you are all I need. I am so close to ruining something great that you blessed me with because nothing on this earth is ever enough. I know that no matter what you give me I will want more, for this I am sorry. I want, so badly, to be solely satisfied in you. I have been trying for years.

Please give me wisdom to understand and words to speak. Please let whatever happens be pleasing to you. Please give me patience and clarity to see there is a MUCH MUCH bigger plan then the one I want so badly. This way when my plan fails I will still have hope, which is what I fear most, losing hope. I want a definite answer but I only have a 50-50 chance of being happy by it without your help. With you the answer is arbitrary. Keep my hope intact Lord. Never let me forget that this world has nothing for me. My prayer is basically the song “Rescue”, it is a great song.

I see how you have intervened every time I was about to mess up my life and prevented me from doing it. Even though I did not understand or like it at the time, I am so thankful.

Keep me loving and seeking you first, I hate it when I let others take your place.

In Jesus name we pray, Amen

Desiring God

“Love is the overflow of joy in God that gladly meets the needs of others” - John Piper
I hope I learn to love the right way so it is pleasing not only to others but to God also so it can bring true joy unto myself. I have learned that this is not selfish but something that God delights in so we should also.

2nd place

I seem to like being second best, I am the opportunity cost.So thankful the only opinion that matters doesn't think of me this way.

Again

I am once again going to try to live by my own advice and stop idolizing something and give it to Him. I do not know why it is so hard. I have no complainants about giving it to Him but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I have thought one way for the last 4 years and to just stop my mind is very challenging. Luckily God is so much greater then I and He can do it easily. He wont make it easy because then I will not get the full benefit but He will never give me more then I can handle. I hate feeling like I was powerless in this situation, but who am I to change fate? I may have done everything right but it was just not part of the plan. I just hope I can someday truly believe that and not think I was inadequate. I just need to let go of it and let more of God in to fill the space I have been filling with something earthly which has only brought pain. I will be able to find all the joy I need in Christ.

Salvation

I am around 100pages into "Desiring God" and it is amazing and life changing. It is also very harsh, I always hoped the narrow path was wider then He eludes too. It never seemed fully right that all one had to do was believe that Jesus died for our sins and a few things that go along with that to enter Heaven. While there are verses that state that, John Piper shows us so many more which demonstrate how few Christians will actually enter into His kingdom. I am very happy to be one of His elect but it brings me great sorrow knowing how many people I once hoped would make it in most likely wont. He is still just, and I definitely do not deserve the grace He gave me by electing me, but it still hurts to think of all the people living with the wrong heart who just don't understand what God wants from them. My prayers go to all of them, it might be a greater call to help the lukewarm Christians become Christian Hedonists. If you really think about the number of people who are truly loving and living in Him the number is minuscule. We are told the small number of people who attend church, unfortunately this number does not correlate very well with the people who are living for Him.

Books

I don't have much homework to do this week. This brings me joy because I have been neglecting good reading for schoolwork. Today I read my 3rd Joshua Harris book, "Stop Dating The Church, Fall In Love With The Family Of God". It was really good. I can't believe how long I have gone without being a part of a church. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway - no more. I also read a few chapters in "Don't Waste Your Life" and "Desiring God". I need to get back into "Piercing the Darkness" and I will be getting a new book for my Fellowship group. I still have our other membership book to read and it would always be nice to just read the Bible. I start my day with 2 devotionals and I have my Thursday Night Bible Study book to read. It is times like this which make me wish I was going to Seminary rather than Public Health. How great would the homework be? Right now I am reading 5 different text books about health care. It requires a few hours every day in tedious, repetitive health care drivel. If my school work was also my passion how great would that be? It would never feel like a waste. For now it is just an unrealistic dream, it can go along side all my other dreams that are too outlandish for me to pursue.

I always hated reading growing up, I forced myself to like it because I realized I could never be anything without it. Readers are Leaders

Excited

This is going to be another great week. I am starting to get busy which is amazing. Notables this week are Stephie's 22nd Birthday, Josh visiting, Phil Wickham; all this along with the normal Thursday Bible Study and amazing church make for a ever improving time up in Tally.

I had a great day, loving and productive. I met some amazing people at church and at my fellowship group. These are the people I have been looking my whole life for, people who immediately show you love. I have never been good at doing that but I knew it was something Christians were suppose to do but I had never witnessed it. At Four Oaks everyone has shown so much love and I have only been there for about a month.

God is good. I have more joy in my life then ever before. I may have a lot of problems right now but that is the great thing about joy, it is not dependent on circumstances, God just grants it to you.

Thank you for Joy and Peace in my time of despair and uncertainty Lord.

Me

I am not trying to be better then anyone. I just don't want to ever stop trying to be more like Him.