Sunday, October 18, 2009

What is wrong with me?

I am so emotional these days and I can’t understand it. There has to be some underlining circumstance but I have been in constant prayer and I just don’t see why the slightest thing can bring me to tears. I know it is not from one specific problem, it is everything. Last month I was at church, by myself, and I just couldn’t stop crying through the whole service. It is embarrassing and I don’t know what I am searching for, I think I have cried and prayed over every area of my life. Most nights have ended that way for me lately and I would love it to stop. I have so much to be joyful about and I feel like I am happy, I just don’t know what this is coming from., I need to figure out what this is and have the Lord remove it from me.

I stopped after I wrote that and really thought about it and I think it comes from a feeling that I am not loved. I must have inherited this from my Mom; she has chronic depression and has always wanted me to get tested. I never wanted to know if I had it or not because I know being happy comes from the Lord and I will never think He is not enough. Even though it may be wrong and I might be able to be happier if I did take medicine, I am going to continue to rely on Him for my joy. I know the devil lies and goes for people’s weaknesses and I truly have more than my fair share of love. I have a desire to be loved by everyone and this is illogical. The one thing I do wish is that people I love would love me equally. Is this not a common thing? I just feel that no one loves me more then I love them. I seriously would do anything for so many people and I find it hard to get even a call back from some of them. Understandably their lives are much more hectic then mine but it does not stop me from wanting it. I know that God’s love is the only one that won’t let you down and the only love that is truly fulfilling but I crave earthly love. Not marriage per say but genuine caring for another person. Knowing I can count on someone to be there for me and do everything they could for my benefit. Maybe people just don’t think like that anymore. I don’t know what I want but maybe someone doing something unexpected just to show they care. I know this will not change my heart and bring me any kind of lasting joy; it will only bring a brief flow of temporary happiness. Knowing this, why do I crave it? I constantly have to keep readjusting my focus because, as I have just demonstrated, it is weak. I want to be so strong that I could live alone and serve people who hated me without a single friend but God. This is my prayer, to learn how to be content on the One we were created for.

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