Friday, October 16, 2009

Struggling (word count on this 777)

How can God give me so much and still allow me to feel so empty? I hate that I can answer that question before I finish asking it. He can so I will seek Him more fervently. When the world brings me joy I don’t need God. I stop crying out to Him and I find temporary happiness. God is a lot more concerned with my eternity then He is with me having fun on any given day. Even as I understand this it is still hard to accept. I hate it but I feel like I deserve to enjoy the world just as much as everyone else. How can I feel like this? What great man of God found joy in the world? God has planned every single minute of my life for a reason and I need remember this always. I seem to keep forgetting.

Today I did great on the GRE so I can stay up here if I want to but its days like today that make me wonder if I really should. I miss my family so much and I am so lonely, basically living alone out in the woods. I know God is all I need but I have not been able to continually feel that comfort, it is ephemeral to me for some reason. Some moments I feel so strong but within an instant I am nothing again.

I feel like I am too late to make new friends or I am just not good at it anymore. It is also hard because everyone I work with is old and I don’t go to class or live near anyone who is my age. All my old friends, who were not numerous to begin with, have moved on to new friendships with people I don’t mesh with or are just too busy to be what I need. I feel like I have become a burden to them now because they all have to try to include me in where I no longer fit. I know life can never stay the same but I miss the way things were. I also miss the innocence of my friends, everyone has changed. Why did we all have to grow up so fast? I don’t want to be a college graduate taking out loans and working all the time. What was my other option? We aren’t given many; somehow this is the most desirable one.

Maybe this is not where I am meant to live. There were many reasons why I moved here that just aren’t making since anymore. I gave it a shot so I don’t have to wonder what would have happened if I never did it. Something I talked to Stephie about years ago and this was my once in a lifetime chance. I’ll admit Tallahassee has some great attributes to it and I am in love with some of the people here but is it enough? Should those few things determine where I reside? In the book Twelve Pillars by Jim Rohn, he asks why we hold on to old relationships that are not beneficial to us. It is one of life’s hardest things but maybe I need to let go. I think they have. I shouldn’t act like things haven’t changed.

I hope I can find some good Christian men to grow close to. I don’t know how I have never had a strong, close friend who was a Christian. I should rephrase that to ‘I have never had a Christ following or centered relationship with another man. I have had this sort of friendship with Stephie and Kate but it is harder to get close with a person of the opposite sex. John now hates it when I try to talk to him about His love and finds it enjoyable to throw sin in my face knowing how it hurts me. Most Christians find themselves in a Christian bubble but I have never been able to find that bubble. How did this happen when I grew up a Christian and went to a Christian school? Honestly I just don’t think there are a lot of strong Christian men out there. I hope I am wrong, and I am not implying that I am one, only that I need one in my life.

I will just have to spend the night in the Word looking for God’s ever elusive plan for my life. It would obviously bring God more pleasure to have me spend a Friday night studying Him then going out. The heartbreaking part is that He has to force me into it by thwarting all my other options.

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